If the music is too loud, you're too old.

Waving the white flag I should have waved years ago.

Today my mother asked me what age I was. The past year has been a downhill slope for my mothers mental health. What started as slight stutter some time ago has developed into full scale short term memory loss. This, in turn stops her from saying much as she constantly forgets words. 

As I posted earlier in the week, I am beginning to feel my age. Not that I am old, but I am no longer in those teen years when we could blame others for our misfortunes. Throughout my teen years, my mother and I never got on. We fought every day if not twice a day…. But I always imagined that this was a phase and that once we overcame the erratic hormone cycles we would slowly draw close to enjoy our later years in peace. So many people said to me; ‘you’ll appreciate her when your older… Just wait until you move out’.  

However, I have come to that point. And there is no peace. There is no harmony. In fact, there is very little left… of her mental stability and my patience. 

I have always tried to abide by that whole ‘no regrets’ way of living. And that as long as there was hope at the end of a turbulent time, the tough stuff is worth it. Amongst other aspects of my future not turning out the way they were meant to, I’m not sure if all the fighting, arguing and tears was worth it. I have sweet fa to show for it now.

I know that people who blog are very skeptical about publishing their lives online. I am writing this as a waving flag of retirement on all my bad feelings, of all my anger and of all my efforts. And I hope that this will effect at least one person. I am feeling an inundated hole of hopelessness as to how the future with my mother will fix itself and I can only hope that those who begrudge, who fight and who imagine that SOMEDAY it will all be ok, don’t be so fucking sure.


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